I think I may have found myself in a season of endings. And I think I’ve been here a while. School, friendships, relationships, jobs… should I go on?
It’s been a year since I graduated college. College ended. I moved on. My first two post-college jobs have ended. And nothing is what I thought it would be.
I have several friends that I’ve had since high school that I thought were really important, and that they wanted to be close to me, and I’ve since realized that that was not the case. I cared a lot for them, and it’s possible that they did still care for me, but I don’t have the energy to always be the pursuer anymore, and so they ended. I’ve moved on.
However, moving back to the area I grew up in has left me feeling a little more than lonely. I’ve heard it’s because this town is one that individuals move to, and they’re all lonely, but they just take that as how life is, so they’ve accepted it. I don’t want to accept it. But I also don’t want to be chasing a bunch of friendships that aren’t going to last, that aren’t going to be meaningful. And I don’t want to drink all the time. Living in a resort town, either you go out all the time and get drunk, or you rarely go out at all. I’m the latter. And I’ve accepted it.
So I think my time here will be coming to an end soon.
It’s been four years since my last real relationship. And that relationship was my longest. And I didn’t leave that relationship with my heart broken, because I was the ender. I’d always been the ender. And I wanted to believe that that was still true, but it’s really not. I spent the rest of my college years having no one wanting to date me at all, with the exception of a guy from my hometown who would pursue me for a month or so, break my heart, and after time went by we would go through it all again. The last semester of my senior year of college I got set up with a guy who I ended up really liking. And I thought he really liked me until he stood me up and disappeared from my life a month later.
I try so hard to guard my heart, and every time I let my guard down, it was the wrong decision. Since I’ve moved to Mammoth, I’ve had my heart broken twice, but I’ve never hurt as bad as this last time. And I’m thinking it’s because I didn’t see it coming. He was actually a nice guy. He made me believe that he would be here, that we were friends, that we were more than that, even though neither of us wanted to accept it. Then he moved, so suddenly. And he said he’d stay in touch, but apparently that was too much, and thus, it has ended. It’s things like these that make me believe I’m not good enough.
When I was still planning on moving to Portland, the person who offered to rent me a room pulled the opportunity away from me before I could even run with it. That relationship ended.
I’ve had people offer to help me record, or ask me to do some music for them, and then they’ve disappeared. Relationships ended.
I had friends here that got hurt at me because I told them that I had been hurt in the past by something they had done, but that it wasn’t a big enough offense to make a big deal out of. And then instead of them apologizing, they decided that I was the offender and that I was horrible and hurtful, and they moved on bad terms. Relationship ended.
So am I so horrible and hurtful? It seems that I have been severing ties left and right, whether it was my choice or not. But I think I’d like this season of endings to end. I want a season of beginnings.
I want to move somewhere where I belong. I want to fall in love for real, for who I am, for who I want to be. I want to be appreciated, and I want to be aware of it. I want to write and to do what I love. I want to believe that I can make it on my own. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want to get my heart broken anymore. But I want to accept that it has been before. I want to be the person who comes into town and people actually want to see, instead of making up excuses why they’re too busy. I want to be free.
It’s time to begin again.