Contemplating Reality

Currently contemplating reality when I’m broken inside.  At a time when I shouldn’t be broken at all.  And I feel that no one actually cares, because no one actually gets it, because my feelings aren’t fully known, not even by myself.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to disappear.  I want to cancel everything and run away.  Because that’s what I’m so great at, running away.  I’ve tried so hard for so long to hold it together, and I can’t.
I feel that I’ve had something taken away from me, something that I loved.  I feel that the possibilities are endless, I just can’t find the right ones.  I feel that I’m the one who’s supposed to stay positive, because I’ve already been through so much, but instead I can’t breathe and the only people who could possibly understand are hundreds of miles away.
My plans keep changing, and I have no control over them.  Whatever happened to being able to make decisions myself?  Do I not get a choice?  Probably not.
I don’t know where to go from here.  Swimming upstream has always been the hardest.

But maybe it’ll be okay.

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