Currently contemplating reality when I’m broken inside. At a time when I shouldn’t be broken at all. And I feel that no one actually cares, because no one actually gets it, because my feelings aren’t fully known, not even by myself.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to disappear. I want to cancel everything and run away. Because that’s what I’m so great at, running away. I’ve tried so hard for so long to hold it together, and I can’t.
I feel that I’ve had something taken away from me, something that I loved. I feel that the possibilities are endless, I just can’t find the right ones. I feel that I’m the one who’s supposed to stay positive, because I’ve already been through so much, but instead I can’t breathe and the only people who could possibly understand are hundreds of miles away.
My plans keep changing, and I have no control over them. Whatever happened to being able to make decisions myself? Do I not get a choice? Probably not.
I don’t know where to go from here. Swimming upstream has always been the hardest.
But maybe it’ll be okay.