Because it’s a new year

I realize that I may have forgotten to acknowledge that it is no longer 2014.  It’s a new year, so maybe I should reflect.

A year ago, I had dreams.  I was not a drifter, and I had plan for where I was going.  I was going to finish a book, graduate college, move to Portland, and be an adult, finally.  I have done one of those things.  I graduated college in May, and if you follow my blog at all, you’ll know that everything changed.  I ended up moving to Mammoth, and I’m still here… I haven’t even written anything for my book in months.  And I feel like I’m somehow still stuck in high school.  It’s time for me to move on.

I’m currently working two jobs, neither of which I hate, but both of which are sucking the life out of me.  One of these jobs pays the bills, the other doesn’t pay me, but allows me to work for my rent.  So basically, I can’t quit either unless I either find a new place to live, or suddenly have no bills and no need to eat ever.
I’m slowly being welcomed into some sort of community here, and I realize more and more that I don’t belong.
Something has to change, or I won’t survive.
I always talk about living the dream, and for a while maybe I was, but I don’t know whose dream it was.  I want more than this.  I want none of this.  I want to be happy.

I am so good at running away.  And I know I’m on the verge of another quick flight.  But if only someone could understand.  I am so much more than unhappy right now.  I am in such a dark place, but there is so much perceived light that maybe I never would have noticed.  I don’t really know that I’m necessarily broken right now, but I know that something just isn’t right.

So maybe I should set a goal or two.  As soon as I come back from Costa Rica I’m going to start saving.  And I’m going to adventure when school is done.  I’m going to drive across America a little bit and find a place to settle.  I’m going to be a bridesmaid in Hannah’s wedding.  I’m going to go to Europe.  And I am going to find myself.  Because I should be important too.

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