How to get the inside out

Today, I realized that I have been confronted with something that’s been there for years, but it’s something that I don’t really know how to overcome.  There are things inside of me that I want to say, but I literally don’t know how to express them outside of myself.  I could say, and have said, that it’s because it makes me feel awkward, but I know that it is more than that.  I don’t know if I’m afraid, or if I can’t be vulnerable, but how can I even move past this if I can’t say it outloud.

I crave deep conversations where I can really say what is on my heart, because I have some heavy things on my heart.  But when these opportunities arise, I literally can say nothing.  I can talk half-heartedly about the current events in my life, but when someone asks me how I’m really doing, I can’t give an honest answer.  And it’s not even because things aren’t good, because things are so good.  I’m in a good place.  I have a good job.  I’m learning so many new things.  I have great roommates and a great living situation.
But I’m also so tired.  Some days I work from 9am to 11pm, between my two jobs and school.  I get almost no time to myself, and when I get the opportunity to be alone, I spend time with those I miss seeing because I’m always working.  So I’m drained and exhausted and it messes with my head.
But I’m okay.

See, I want to be able to express what weighs on my heart.  But I don’t even really know what it is that is on my heart.  I feel like it needs to be pried out of me, but who would even do that?  Who even has the time?  Do I even have the time?

Maybe I just need a day off.  Or several days off.

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