Today, I realized that I have been confronted with something that’s been there for years, but it’s something that I don’t really know how to overcome. There are things inside of me that I want to say, but I literally don’t know how to express them outside of myself. I could say, and have said, that it’s because it makes me feel awkward, but I know that it is more than that. I don’t know if I’m afraid, or if I can’t be vulnerable, but how can I even move past this if I can’t say it outloud.
I crave deep conversations where I can really say what is on my heart, because I have some heavy things on my heart. But when these opportunities arise, I literally can say nothing. I can talk half-heartedly about the current events in my life, but when someone asks me how I’m really doing, I can’t give an honest answer. And it’s not even because things aren’t good, because things are so good. I’m in a good place. I have a good job. I’m learning so many new things. I have great roommates and a great living situation.
But I’m also so tired. Some days I work from 9am to 11pm, between my two jobs and school. I get almost no time to myself, and when I get the opportunity to be alone, I spend time with those I miss seeing because I’m always working. So I’m drained and exhausted and it messes with my head.
But I’m okay.
See, I want to be able to express what weighs on my heart. But I don’t even really know what it is that is on my heart. I feel like it needs to be pried out of me, but who would even do that? Who even has the time? Do I even have the time?
Maybe I just need a day off. Or several days off.