Sometimes I have thoughts that I really want to write about, but I think to myself should I really post that? Because, no matter what, I will always be concerned with what other people think, just maybe not in the way you’d expect. You see, most of my life I have believed that I don’t care what people think, because I’ve always been one to do what I want. I’m not going to alter my personality or change the way I dress or the things I like just because I want to fit in. I’ve never really worried about fitting in, even though I don’t really want to stand out. Rather, I put myself in a box of who I should be, and if I stray from that at all, I decide that those thoughts should be hidden. If they come out, I pretend like they don’t matter, that I like joking about myself, making everything a laughing matter. But the truth is, I am hiding away certain facets of myself, making sure only God knows the silly things I pray for, the silly things I worry about, and the controversial thoughts that I wonder.
The truth is, I want a boyfriend. But I feel like in this day and age, me saying that makes me sound boy crazy or desperate. But I’m not that at all. It’s not like every guy I meet is weighed as a potential option for me. No. In fact, for the most part, all of the single guys I know are not someone I would normally be interested at all. I’m not putting myself out there to date, I am rather content. But I miss the feeling of being adored, the feeling of being pursued, and the knowledge that I have someone of my own, that I can trust, and who trusts me. Most of my friends are getting married, but I’m not ready for that. I don’t want to be someone’s wife just yet; I just want to be a girlfriend. Because I’ve forgotten what that feels like.
The truth is, I want close friends who are close. I have friends that I could say are my best friends. I have my lovely college friends that I still talk to almost daily and tell them about my life and they tell me about theirs. I still get to hear about the new cute boys at work, or the funny thing the fiance did, or what its like to be a newlywed. But I don’t have anyone to go on adventures with. I don’t have anyone to go out for coffee with, or to go buy ice cream just because. I don’t have someone I can call at 8 at night and say, “Hey, I’m bored, want to do something?” Because I don’t put myself out there. I feel like I annoy new people. It takes me far too long to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and to allow myself to just need people. The people I work with I’m not interested in having as a bigger part of my life. The people I live with know my struggle, but expect me to help myself. And saying that I’m a work in progress, that I desire a new, close friendship, that I want to be wanted, needed, and able to be there for someone; well, that makes me feel inept.
The truth is, I have desires. I have things that I want to happen that are out of my control at this point in life. I have things I would like to do, to change, and to have. But I feel like I can’t ask for them. I feel selfish if I pray about myself too much. It’s like, yes God, we are both part of this conversation, but really, what do YOU want? Because what I want doesn’t matter. Your will be done. Amen. But I don’t really think God works like that. God wants us to have the desires of our hearts. Why wouldn’t He? He gave us these desires after all, didn’t He? Now, I’m not saying that every desire is good, because we all have our sin nature, but it’s not bad to ask for things. Sometimes the answer is just “no.” Just like with our parents, when they wouldn’t let us have a new toy or an extra cookie. It wasn’t because they didn’t love is. It was because they knew better. So asking God for a specific companion, or a great job offer, or a little extra money to spend time getting drinks with friends isn’t necessarily bad. But sometimes He has something better.
I feel like so often we are led to believe that everything in life is bad, so if we want more of something then we are bad, sinful. We tell our friends and family what we want, don’t we? And they choose to support us, or not. So why would our relationship with God be any different. Like in any relationship, there is a balance. We ask Him to speak to us, and we listen. But we also talk. Talking isn’t bad, as long as listening is also a priority. Ya dig?