So I’ve been working a lot lately, and haven’t found the time or energy to write as much as I wish I did. In fact, I just walked home from work, got ready for bed, and am now writing this.
I had a little bit of a hectic day at work; I cut my finger open on the paper slicer minutes after I clocked in, and then I got asked to stay late. I got yelled at by a band member over the phone (I work at a resort) and I got left alone during a rush for 45 minutes. But I actually really like my job. As I walked home I thought about how I was bummed that I missed church tonight and how I could have taken a longer break, if I followed my coworker’s example. My coworkers do a lot of things that I never would have thought we were allowed to do. But then I realized that I should be a better example, and should work as hard as I can, even if my efforts are not noticed. I realized that I might have opportunities to show who God is, even if I don’t realize it. I just need to live like Him.
Anyway. I went to a church in Crowley today all by myself. I know a few people there, but I’m not quite comfortable, and I need to learn to comfortable by myself. As I walked in a lady went to shake my hand and then just held my arm until she could remember who I was related to. It was really uncomfortable for me. And some other strange lady touched my back in a touchy-feely way. Church people like to touch. The pastor I grew up with always says “hug someone new today!” during greeting time. The thing is, I hate touching people that I don’t know. I told one of my friends that showed up later, jokingly, that I sometimes wonder why I’m still a Christian when all the people in church make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to hug a stranger.
After church I was blessed to be taken to lunch by a friend of mine. We talked about where we are in life and caught up on things that had happened in the last year. I talked about how I’m finding my balance in church again, after being educated theologically for four years. I find myself becoming skeptical of some people’s actions in the Spirit, but I also know that God can be teaching me things that will get me out of my Bible College bubble, because I do not want to become close-minded. We talked about people getting “words” from “God” that don’t come true, and are probably bad advice. The person giving them probably has the right intentions, but is more saying what they think the listener wants to hear, rather than actually hearing what God has to say. Sometimes when someone hears from God once, they think every word is from Him, which isn’t necessarily reality. But it is not my place to correct the churches here, at least not yet.
Over the last month I have realized that church gives me anxiety. Almost to the point that I don’t want to go at all, but I know that that’s where my friends are. It happens the most during worship. Sometimes it happens when I’m playing worship music by myself at my house. Why? How is God going to move if I have anxiety and shut down anytime I’m in His presence? I know God can do anything, but I need an answer. Or maybe I need help.
And. rant. over.