What Comes Next

If you know me at all, you’ll know that I’ve been stressing about my future for over a year now.  Last summer I had no idea I would be where I am this summer, and I had no idea life would be the way it is right now.  Six months ago I was certain I would be in Portland, and thought that my not knowing what I would do there or how I would survive was me trusting God.  But I was so terrified.  I worried constantly that I was doing the wrong thing or making some mistake or missing something somehow.  I thought that maybe my uncertainty stemmed out of the fact that, from the age of 15, I knew what college I was going to, so I never worried about my future until it suddenly crept up on me.

So when my Portland plans got smashed earlier this summer, when I quit my job and moved back to where I grew up, I thought that maybe I was losing my mind. I figured I would be here for a little bit and then leave.  But now that I’m here, I think I’m staying for a while.  The camp I’ve been living and working at just finished its last camp of the summer.  I’m only contracted to stay here until September, and I don’t know what comes next.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another job and another place to live, or if I’ll have to go back to my parents.  I have no idea where my life is going.  But you know what?  I am content.

I’m not really stressed about the future.  The only thing that is really stressing me is settling.  I’m afraid to settle, but maybe that’s what I need right now.  It’s weird to think how peaceful I am not knowing.  My life is God’s.

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