I went to two weddings this weekend; one on Saturday and one on Sunday. One in Mammoth, the other in LA area. It was a lot. But this isn’t so much about the wedding as it is about my thought process and laughing at myself and realizing that things can change, and that they probably need to.
Before I moved to Mammoth instead of staying in Nevada City, I had kind of written off attending the wedding in Mammoth because I already knew I would be driving in order to go the wedding in LA, and I was closer with those people. However, seeing as I was living in Mammoth and the wedding happened to be taking place on the property I currently live on, there was almost no saying “no” to going. And I went. The weird thing is, even though I grew up in this area, I don’t have many friends here. I left them all behind when I left this place behind, and most of them have moved on with their lives as well. Now that I’m older, I don’t even remember how I used to make friends.
So I went to the Mammoth wedding on my own, and sat with someone that I kinda knew from high school. I changed into something more comfortable for driving, and then I went to the reception, committing to one hour. But the reception was in a small church, and it was packed full with people. I was getting claustrophobic and my social anxiety was acting up, and I was also anxious to get on the road. One of my roommates was standing with some people I know, and they all knew I was uncomfortable. Because they thought it would be funny, they all crowded around me, which was funny, but also made me have a minor panic attack. I started crying, but I was laughing at the same time. It was ridiculous. Then I went and stood by another one of my roommates who was supposed to film the entrance of the bride and groom. However, when the bridal party came in, they had nowhere to go except right where I was standing, which put me in the center of everything. I backed out and hid in the plants. This whole experience was rather traumatic, but later gave me a reason to laugh at myself. What are you if you can’t laugh at yourself, really?
At the LA wedding, I was completely comfortable and content, and I had all of my old friends around me, but there was so much catching up to do that it was draining and almost overwhelming. Everyone commented on how tan I have suddenly become, and I had to explain the whole story of moving to Mammoth and postponing Portland far too many times. I’m glad I went, but I am so tired and weddinged out, I almost never want to go to another one, even though I have two more this year at least.
In all this driving and wedding traveling, I had a lot of time to think. I laughed at myself for the ridiculous situations I put myself in, and I realized I have been accepting my anxiety as a part of me that cannot be changed. I laugh at myself over it sometimes, but in reality it is nearly crippling. I should be able to go to crowded places or parties where I don’t know anyone and not feel like I’m falling apart. Why have not been trying to fix this? Why have I not asked God to take it away? Why have I simply accepted my disabilities as something God made me with? I think it’s time that I grow up, because things should probably change.