Lacking creativity, I sit here at my keyboard, searching for the right words to put down. It seems that there should be so much to say, and that I should have so much to reflect on, but I’d rather spin fiction than share the trivial thoughts that are on my mind. Yet, I don’t write at all. I have characters that need developing, but it’s almost as if I’ve fallen out of love with them. However, I realize that maybe characters are like any other person, and that if we don’t spend time enough time with them, we forget what once was so powerfully drawing us toward them. And I realize further that this is what God is like. Until this week, it had been months since I had sat down and spent significant amounts of intentional time with Him. And it’s still not enough. I want to fall in love with Him again. I want to fall in love. That’s it.
See, most would expect me to mention that I graduated from college more than a week ago. And as that was such a big moment in my life, I find it pales in comparison to what it would be if I had gotten my degree in something that I actually plan on using. I want to be a writer, although I have been writing so much less than I should if I wish to actually call myself a writer. Yet I digress. If I had gotten my degree in journalism or literature or creative writing I would probably be freaking out and loudly announcing that I had surely walked across a stage and received a diploma for a degree that I was passionate about.
God’s funny like that, isn’t He? As a fifteen year old girl I was certain that I had a heart for youth, assuming that meant being a youth pastor. God audibly called me to attend Life Pacific College. Soon after beginning my college career I realized that I don’t want to be in vocational ministry in any form at all, and soon after that I found my passion as a writer. God told me to write, and I still haven’t finished anything to be proud of. I tried to leave school, but I knew that LIFE was where I was meant to stay. After four years of perseverance, I have finished and I have my Bachelors, and now I have even less certainty about my future than I did a year ago. I know what I’m doing with my summer. I know I plan to move to Portland in August. But how easily can everything change? So I still wonder why God called me to LPC at all?
I went to a wedding yesterday. It was by far the best wedding I had ever attended. I even regained the courage I had in high school, if only temporarily, and talked to a cute guy. Yet I still don’t feel compelled to write so many words about it. I often say that I don’t believe in soulmates, but I know that Erica and Robbie are truly meant for each other. It makes me wonder if maybe some people do have soulmates. It makes me wonder if I have a soulmate, if people will one day say, “they’re meant for each other,” about me and some man.
Does anyone have any creativity they’d like to send my way? Do you have any extra motivation?