It’s all gone now

I sometimes wonder if we’re even friends anymore.  It seems that every time I reach out you put up a wall, like maybe I’m not good enough for you anymore.  It makes me wonder if my burden became too much to carry, and you decided it was too hard to be close to me.  Or even worse, that when it became easy you realized you weren’t up for the challenge.

You say I give up too easily, but I don’t want to keep trying anymore.  I will always give up.  If there is no evident end in sight, if there is no positive outcome, why should I keep going.  If I call out your name, if I show up in front of you, I feel like more of an annoyance than anything.  I tried to be transparent, but it’s like I’ve made myself invisible.

I don’t know how to open my mouth to tell you words that are weighing me down.  I never see you anymore, I can’t feel you anymore, and whenever I’m invited along, it’s when you know I can never come.  I’ll never be there.  You’ll never be there.  We are on opposite sides of the spectrum, heading in the same direction, but parallel so we’ll never actually meet.  And this might be too sad.

I know sometimes you read me like a book, but you’ll never realize the lines I’ve written are for you.  I need you to remember me again.  I need you to notice me again, because sometimes you were the only hope I lived for.  And I know I should never live for you, that I never really could live for you, because you give me nothing and I am nothing to you.  I know you would never live for me.  But I can hope.  I had hope.  And it’s all gone now.

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