Whole

Close your eyes when you listen to this
I think it’s more real that way
I don’t want you to be distracted by my poor posture or my listful demeanor
I’d rather have you picture yourself breaking than watch my attempt at becoming whole

My heart hasn’t been broken for a long, long time
But as I listen to lyrics spinning, chills run down my spine
And I sense myself possibly running out of time
Find myself worrying that this will be my last rhyme,
So I tell myself, “Make it a good one.”

I wasn’t ready to fall in love when I did so I’ve convinced everyone I was never in love at all
I promise that I don’t even believe in love, for me
And I’m not sure if I say it to make you believe it, to push you away
Or if I really just want you to prove me wrong
Maybe I’m just running away

I tell myself I’ve reached the top of this mountain all on my own
Shivering, fully aware that the snowy air around me is cold
In the smoky mountain haze I allow myself to melt because I believe I am only truly myself in isolation
I am never fully alone though; I can still hear you whispering soft words in my ear
I won’t open my eyes until I can’t feel you anymore

I used to try to give myself away
Like Shel Silverstein’s Giving Tree, I thought I could give until there was nothing left of me
I spent my last year bathing in vulnerability
Spilling myself on ground in front of you, because I want to be transparent, not invisible.
But you still looked past me like I never existed

Open your eyes now
Did you see what see?
Let me inside your head so I see what you see
I need to understand why you don’t see me the way my heart yearns to be seen
I am not broken anymore
I’m simply knocking on your door
Let me in

Let my fire burn for you, keeping us both ignited and warm
Let my flame shine through my diamond dyes, shedding light on the inner workings of my soul
I am multifaceted like a gemstone, yet everywhere I look I see you
Please try to see me too

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