I am in a predicament. It’s probably one that most college students experience, but it is still a predicament. I have to decide where to live. And more than that, I have to decide what to do with my life. Ugh.
I have a couple options. Sort of…
My roommate interned in Massachusetts over the summer and helped them develop a residency there. If I did that I would have a host home for the first year and they would give me $4,000 a year for loans, just for working in the church there. And I would be able to find a second job. It’s in Foxboro, which is half an hour from Boston, which has a lot of good spoken word clubs, meaning a lot of opportunities for my writing. But the east coast is not calling my name.
Since last summer I have been thinking and dreaming a lot about Portland. Not for any reason, since I’ve never been there, it has just been calling my name. I met some pastors from there who sort of planted a cell church, which is a unit of house churches all under one name. They were called to Portland to love the city and to disciple people there, and that is exactly what they have been doing. If I went to Portland, I could team up with them, but I don’t exactly have any job prospects. I know that there are a lot of good poetry clubs there as well, and Portland is all about artistic opportunities. I have dreams of discipling people in Portland and loving people and introducing them to Jesus. But I don’t want to work in the church.
I wonder if God is calling me to Portland. I’m worried that it is just an idea in my head, and that if I go I’ll fail. But life is about risk isn’t it?
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. We went to go to a poetry club which ended up being closed that week, so we went to get boba instead. Whilst drinking our boba we talked about our futures. I told her my Portland dreams and Massachusetts opportunities, and how I wonder if God has an entirely different opportunity for me. She proceeded to tell me that my Portland dreams line up perfectly with what her a group of her friends want to do… in Portland. They are all a year or so behind me, and she thinks I’m supposed to pave the way for them. We had goosebumps. She was sure our closed poetry club predicament was God bringing us together. I want to be sure of that as well, but I can’t trust myself.
Why do I assume that my dreams can’t be from God? Should I move to Portland? Should I take the residency in Massachusetts, or somewhere else for that matter?
So you see my predicament?
I feel like God wants me to finish my book and try to publish it. I feel like if that is successful that my loans and everything will be taken care of. But I am afraid that I am telling myself this, rather than God. Why can’t I trust myself? When God talks to me about other people I know it’s Him and I give them the words, but when He talks to me about me, I’m never sure if it’s Him. I just wish He would use someone else to give me answers.