Not Him

God, I feel as if nostalgia is overtaking
My heart as it is  constantly aching
With a love that wasn’t real, it was a joke, we were only faking
When it comes down to it, I’m distracted and it’s You I’m forsaking

I want to say that if he’d take me, I’d say yes
But there’s no point in letting those words leave my lips
Because his grip on me
Is only imaginary

I want to say that he’s someone I could wait my whole life for
But that waiting would be pointless and I’d only waste away
And I know that I wouldn’t, I couldn’t, if he asked me to stay
Because my plans, Your plans, are so much bigger than a joke of a wedding day

I guess I just got excited
I didn’t know I could feel this way again
But I don’t even want to know his thoughts on the matter
Because I need this to end; I need all distractions to cease

It’s not often that I allow my heart to get so worked up
But my mind can’t take it anymore
My heart beats angrily with drums of war
Because there’s no room for unnecessary love, for romance, here

I hate being crushed by a crush and so I refuse to have them
One could say that’s not possible, but my response is always, “for me it can”
It’s time to step back, look away, pretend I was only an adoring fan
My mind needs to win, and it knows I don’t need a man

I must admit, when he wrapped his arms around me I felt I was at home
But my bags are nearly packed and I was born to roam
I refuse to pray or wish that he’d someday call me on the phone
Because I don’t plan on returning, he’ll never be my home

I can’t remember ever knowing what home is
And I can say the same for love
I used to only understand lonely
But I know something so much better, God, You fit me like a glove

I’m not ready for another heartbreak
I’m not sure how this could have happened
When that photo was taken, I didn’t know what was at stake
But sanity is slowly slipping out the door

God, help me find You again
My week has been hectic and long
I’m nostalgic, sad, lonely, and almost mad
But still I am weak, and You are more than strong

Hold me, in Your arms I want to feel at home
Lead me, I will follow, only then my feet will roam
I know Your hand is on me, I will never be alone
God, You are a boulder, and he’s only a little stone

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