At the beginning of my internship in Eureka, they asked the interns what one of our irrational fears was as a ‘get to know you’ question. At the time I didn’t have an answer. This could be because I don’t often have answers for things until I think about them for a while, but I may have truly believed all my fears were rational. I’m not afraid of many things and I don’t scare easily.
The other day I drove over the Oakland Bridge, on my way to Hollister, CA. I had left Eureka earlier that day, so I was already a little sad and such. However, when I reached the bridge I began to panic, but only slightly. I had never driven over a bridge like that before. I expected every segment to drop out beneath me and I was scared. There was nothing I could do. I just kept praying that Jesus would keep me safe, and He did, even though there was nothing to worry about. That may be an irrational fear.
Monday night, my last night in Eureka, my friends took me swing dancing. I am not a dancer. And strangers are terrifying to me. I didn’t know I had to dance with strangers. I almost cried. It got easier later, but it never got comfortable. I avoid talking to strangers by taking drastic measures. I don’t often go to new places by myself. I am terrible at conversation. My parents’ friends try to talk to me like they know me all the time and I give them nothing. So strangers may be another irrational fear, even though I see it as quite rational. Whatevs.
One of my biggest fears though, rational or not, has to do with the vulnerability of relationships. I don’t like to get close to people, or at least it’s hard for me, because I don’t like getting hurt. I expect to always get hurt. There are things that go on inside my head that I will never tell anyone. I don’t like when people have feelings for me, even though sometimes I really do want to be loved. I would never admit that to someone that I liked though. If I opened myself up to someone, they could break me. I don’t want to be broken. And if someone is brave enough to open themselves up to me, I wouldn’t know what to do.
I am not afraid of much, but my fears are big.
And if you’re reading this, just know that I’m waiting.