Not a Flake

I’m sick.  Not super sick, just kind of sick, but sick none the less.  I am not enjoying this.  I’m taking care of myself as much as I can, but I just hate being sick.  I think it’s partly a result of being surrounded by other sick people, and partly a result of working myself too hard.  I’ve been working out as much as I can, because I want to get my body back.  However, on Wednesday, I may have overdone it.  If I push myself too hard, I get weak and nauseous.  If I don’t lay down, I will puke.  I ended my workout early and came back to my room and laid down until dinner.  Even at dinner I felt ill.  I felt better later though, even if I still felt a little weak.  Thursday I was starting to feel actually sick, but I still stayed out late because I was at a poetry club.  I ended up skipping class Friday and skipping an outreach that I had planned on helping with.

On Friday, when I realized that I should probably stay back and rest, rather than having another night out late doing outreach, I emailed the outreach team leaders.  They said they understood, but then at dinner questioned me about it.  It didn’t help having someone else there asking me about driving up to take sunset pictures in the mountains.  I felt like a flake.  But I also knew that I shouldn’t have been working myself, out of my comfort zone, when I could tell my immune system was down.
Today, I had been asked to go to a women’s conference (ugh).  I was planning on going, and I was almost looking forward to it.  However, it is true that hanging out with women is not my thing.  I had committed to it, but when I woke up, I knew, again, that I shouldn’t go.  I texted my pastor and she told me to rest and feel better.  No hard feelings.

Basically, I just feel bad for skipping out on things I had committed to.  I am usually very adamant about making sure that I fulfill all of my commitments, and I get on other people’s cases about not committing as well.  I just think it needs to be said, I am not a flake.

Also, this week it is official that I am not going to Africa.  I am fully aware that I am terrible at raising money, and signing up a semester late didn’t help.  I didn’t get many donations, and that’s because I’m not a very likable individual.  My few donations came from family and people who are already very giving and who already know me.  I feel bad for asking for donations at all.  I’m planning on writing thank yous to all who responded and donated.  I also was originally planning on trying to go next year and signing up at the beginning and just going, but I’m scared.  I don’t want to write letters again.  I don’t want to fundraise my ass off and get nowhere.  I know it’s not about me; it’s about the people we go to help and the Gospel that we spread.  That doesn’t make me feel better about attempting again and failing again though.
I’m hoping that this summer will be like a cleanse for me.  I’ll be out of LA, and I’ll be away from a lot of the people and things that distract me.  I hope to return next semester with more clarity and a stronger relationship with my Creator.  Only two weeks left!

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