So, as most already know, I want 2013 to teach me to be vulnerable. So here goes:
I dated quite a bit in high school, I had boyfriends and guy friends and I was well liked. I got let down by feelings as well, but it was no big deal. After my senior year of high school I interned at a camp in Sonora and made friends with a guy there. By the end of the summer there was no doubt that I had feelings for him, but I knew in my heart that I could leave camp, start college, and be perfectly fine never seeing him again. Well, instead as we said our goodbyes he kissed me. A few of us had planned up a trip to visit him a week after the internship ended, so I knew I would be seeing him again, but him kissing me complicated things. We talked that night and both prayed about where to go, and I was unsure, but I knew I liked him, and God wasn’t telling me no. When we finally got together again, we decided that we were in a relationship with intentions of marriage. That lasted eight months long-distance and has now been over for about two years, but that’s a story for another day.
As of right now, it is the longest I have been single since I started dating. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I don’t feel as though I need a boyfriend. However, I do sometimes feel a little worthless in the eyes of the opposite gender, since I seem to not be good enough dating material for college guys (no one has shown interest since I got here). Still, that is also a discussion for another time.
For the first time in a long time, I have serious strong feelings for someone. I haven’t felt this way since like, high school, and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. I’m giddy all the time and I laugh a lot and act weird, and it’s both great and terrifying at the same time. The biggest thing is, most people have no idea, especially him, and I think I’d like to keep it that way.
The thing is, I was just doing my devotions, and I was reading about how we are God’s bride, and he feels that same intense affection for us as I do for a certain male person. God wants to spend time with me and He gets excited when we talk to Him. We are always on His mind. It’s like, on some level I understand. God loves me so much and He jumps around and laughs because He is overjoyed at His emotions. I sometimes wonder why God gave us emotions, but can you imagine how boring life would be if we didn’t have them?
I am scared of the vulnerability that a relationship brings. But I am also terrified that, by allowing myself to even have unrequited feelings for another person, I will get let down and hurt in the same way that I’ve watched so many of my friends go through pain.
Is it bad to pray for things to work out? I think my biggest prayer right now is that God will take these feelings away if they’re only going to cause me pain. I don’t want anymore pain.