Break Time’s Over

Classes started again yesterday.  I still haven’t read my emails from 4 months ago, which I promised myself I would open up and get all caught up on the email ish while I was home.  But I didn’t.  To be fair, I worked eight hours a day, five days a week, doing retail while I was on my winter “break.”  I worked more there than I do here.  And I didn’t do half of the things I wanted.

I am back and I feel exhausted already.  I was telling my friend, Hannah, earlier that I feel as if I didn’t even have a break.  I’m just tired.  I want to sleep all the time, but I know I have to start doing school work very soon.  I can’t keep living as if I’m still on break.  It’s a frustrating feeling.

While I was home, I got my heart messed with, and when I returned it nearly broke.  Now I’m feeling confused and flustered and unwanted.  Doing my devotions this morning, God and I agreed that I need to be purified before I can pursue anything more than a friendship with anyone.  And as frustrating as that is, I know that it’s right.  God needs to be first.  Forever.

I have dreams to chase, dreams of being a writer.  God is sculpting these, and my heart strings are being plucked to two different tunes.  I need to figure which song is the better one.  I could go to Africa and help the poor.  Or I could go to England and write and live my own selfish dreams.  I know in a first world country I could teach creative writing to distressed teens who need to get their stories out.  I know I couldn’t do that in a place where I don’t even speak the language.  But what a difference I could make in a place where children don’t even get their first pair of shoes until they’re fourteen.  The question is, where does God want me?

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