Classes started again yesterday. I still haven’t read my emails from 4 months ago, which I promised myself I would open up and get all caught up on the email ish while I was home. But I didn’t. To be fair, I worked eight hours a day, five days a week, doing retail while I was on my winter “break.” I worked more there than I do here. And I didn’t do half of the things I wanted.
I am back and I feel exhausted already. I was telling my friend, Hannah, earlier that I feel as if I didn’t even have a break. I’m just tired. I want to sleep all the time, but I know I have to start doing school work very soon. I can’t keep living as if I’m still on break. It’s a frustrating feeling.
While I was home, I got my heart messed with, and when I returned it nearly broke. Now I’m feeling confused and flustered and unwanted. Doing my devotions this morning, God and I agreed that I need to be purified before I can pursue anything more than a friendship with anyone. And as frustrating as that is, I know that it’s right. God needs to be first. Forever.
I have dreams to chase, dreams of being a writer. God is sculpting these, and my heart strings are being plucked to two different tunes. I need to figure which song is the better one. I could go to Africa and help the poor. Or I could go to England and write and live my own selfish dreams. I know in a first world country I could teach creative writing to distressed teens who need to get their stories out. I know I couldn’t do that in a place where I don’t even speak the language. But what a difference I could make in a place where children don’t even get their first pair of shoes until they’re fourteen. The question is, where does God want me?