It’s been three nights since I’ve slept normally. My temporary roommate, Erika, says I have to get up at seven tomorrow, no matter what, and stay awake all day so that I can sleep at night again.
Last night there was two earthquakes (small ones). During the first, I thought Erika, on the top bunk, was shaking the bed and I was wondering what on earth she was doing, but then I heard the mirror shaking. It was so weird. I haven’t been in an earthquake that I’ve been awake for in a long time.
Earthquakes don’t even scare me. I never run for cover. I’m sure if there I was a huge one I might hide under my desk or something, but I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of dying or of natural disasters.
I looked up suicide techniques (purely for fun). Oh man, the ways failing at dying can mess someone up. If you slit your wrists or other major blood vessels, but live through it, it can give you permanent tendon damage and leave you in pain for the rest of your life. That terrifies me. When I read that I started freaking out. I was physically ill. I’d rather live alive.
I feel lonely quite often. But at the same time, I don’t know anyone for me. It’ll probably be a very long time before I meet someone for me. I don’t necessarily like being single, but I want to find myself the perfect friend that I could spend my life with. The problem is, they have to feel the same way.
I watched 500 Days of Summer today. I think that’s one of my favorite movies. Like legitimately, I think I could watch it again tonight. And I just might. I love Joseph Gordon Levitt, but even more, I love his character, Tom. I want my own Tom. Lanky, and awkward, and not afraid to love Summer with everything he has. He doesn’t even give up when she leaves him. Yes, he eventually moves on, but he’s just amazing.
I wonder, would I rather be Summer, or Tom? I’ve spent a lot of time saying that I don’t believe in love, secretly hoping that it will find me someday. On the other hand, Tom is so so happy when he falls in love with Summer, and he is whole heartedly ready to fall for someone new by the time he moves on. He has hope. He really lives. He goes up and down, like a real person. I don’t really know where I’m going with this.
Any way, I think it’s time to believe in love again. God loves me. I love God. I need to remember that, from now on, when I feel unloved, that I can always turn to God. Because love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action. And He fully acted it out by killing His Son on the cross for my sins (and everyone else’s).