The retelling of this story is from the view of what happened in my mind. It will be shortened.
I was called into the office today.
“Sara, we want to know how we can help you not to seem overwhelmed. At church yesterday it seemed like we gave you too much to do, so we had to take some away. Having someone else do announcements was a quick decision. How can we help you grow from this.”
See, that seems like a nice thing to say, yes? No? Frick, they were attacking me. Yeah, I was freaking overwhelmed, once, but apparently they think I always am. Apparently I have just more people who think that I need help and that I can’t function properly.
“Are you taking your meds?”
Yes, I am freaking taking my meds. I hate them; I hate that people think they’re necessary, but if I stop, I get too sick to function.
“You need to learn how to not seem frantic when you’re overwhelmed. You have to stay calm and be able to instruct people.”
“Sara, I’m paying for your living. I’m paying for your food; if you don’t come over to my house to eat, that’s not my problem. You misrepresent me.”
“Sara, you don’t have a good work ethic.”
Well, I guess my 3.6 GPA isn’t high enough. I guess, because I work quickly and then can’t find anything else to do, and because I don’t clean all the time because things look clean to me when they look messy to others, that means I have a bad work ethic.
“We accepted you when we denied others.”
I didn’t realize I applied for this… I thought I was invited. I couldn’t go home because my mother is crazy. I know I wouldn’t have survived a summer there, because I barely survived three days. So maybe you should throw me out. Life is too “overwhelming” maybe.
There is so much more, but it needs to be cut short.
I also learned today that it is insulting that I hate a certain type of music (rap), that some of my best friends like. A certain male gets personally offended. He’s not a rapper. How stupid is it that he can make me feel like dying because I can’t change for him.
Basically, this is where I’m at. I can’t be the person people want me to be. I have spent most of my life with repetitive messages of “stay true to yourself,” but everyone is still trying to change me. I thought God made me different for a reason?
Oh, and I don’t want to work in the church. In fact, I am beginning to loathe the church. I know, it’s sad. I just want Jesus. His people are making it so hard for me. Not all of them, but the ones that are supposed to be leaders in my life. I don’t know what they want from me, but I can’t be the perfect little fluffy person, who always wants to sit in circles and call people and send out emails about how great life is. LIFE IS NOT GREAT. I can’t remember a time when life has truly been great. Life is interesting and has it’s ups and downs, but it is not wonderful. It’s freaking hard. We need to recognize that.
Lastly, I don’t know how to forget everything and seek God. Just being honest here. I don’t know how. I don’t. God, please help me. I love You, and You have helped me so much and given me so much, but I don’t know who You created me to be. I need lessons on how to take my harsh reality and give it to You. I need You to carry me. I need to spend all my time with you and away from distractions and the crazy people who make me want to die. I don’t want to be in Your church, but I don’t know how to be okay with that. I don’t want You to be upset, but I know You’re not human. Why did You make me like this?
I’m thinking about dropping out of school, because I’m not the person the “churchies” want me to be.