A Reason

Lately I have felt like giving up, it’s true.  I think the past year of my life has been a constant downpour of darkness, and it was hard for me to see the light.  I’ve had my ups and downs in life and with God for a long time, just like everyone does.  But experiencing these manic episodes has almost been too much, and those who have been here for a long time know that tried so hard to go beyond the brink of disaster.

Well, I’m done with depression.  I’ve heard a lot over the past year that I am going to be used to help people who are where I was.  That I can help to shed some light into the lives of those lost in the darkness that is depression.  No, I’m not a shrink and I don’t know a lot about this, but I know what it’s like to be and feel this messed up.  I’ve been noticing over the last few days how many young, teenage girls there are that are just like I was.  They want to die, but are not yet at the point of doing something about it.  They are cursed with a feeling that they are ugly and worthless, even though so many people will tell them this isn’t true.  It’s still hard for me to accept compliments.  Sure, call it low self-esteem, but I’m trying to gain confidence.  I still sometimes would rather rip my veins open and bleed rather than turn to God.  But God is helping me.

It’s sad to me that there are so many people riding on the same boat as me, and I never noticed them.  I will always be down to talk, to answer questions, and to be an encouragement, because I understand; maybe not completely, but to a point.  Darkness isolates us and tears us down till we feel like we’re sinking in the river rather than just riding with our feet in the water.  I promise that it gets better.  I know, even I dont’ believe that sometimes, but it is so much more than true.

So here is my reason.  My reason is to help others stay alive; to encourage those who are stuck right where I was at fifteen, sixteen, etc.  It’s a crap place to be.

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