I am beyond the point of desperation.
I don’t have a way to survive. I didn’t think I’d ever be in this place, but here I am. There is no job for me, because I am cursed. Every lead I have lies to me. I am literally freaking out. I passed my breaking point about an hour ago.
I was driving back to my place of residence, and I realized how pathetic I am. I have fully believed that God is taking care of me and that He has a plan for me. If that ever was true, I lost it. I’m not really being taken care of, am I?
I drove down the road and I turned off the music, sobbing and crying out to God. “Where are You?! Was I an idiot for trusting You?!” I don’t know where I am. I will feel foolish for turning my back, because I’ve spent every moment I could realizing that God has kept me alive. But if that is the case, then what for? Is He torturing me? I thought I was so stable, but apparently I was mistaken.
I can’t hear anything, I can’t feel anything.
Maybe it’s time that I disappeared too.