I am beyond the point of desperation.

I don’t have a way to survive.  I didn’t think I’d ever be in this place, but here I am.  There is no job for me, because I am cursed.  Every lead I have lies to me.  I am literally freaking out.  I passed my breaking point about an hour ago.

I was driving back to my place of residence, and I realized how pathetic I am.  I have fully believed that God is taking care of me and that He has a plan for me.  If that ever was true, I lost it.  I’m not really being taken care of, am I?
I drove down the road and I turned off the music, sobbing and crying out to God.  “Where are You?!  Was I an idiot for trusting You?!”  I don’t know where I am.  I will feel foolish for turning my back, because I’ve spent every moment I could realizing that God has kept me alive.  But if that is the case, then what for?  Is He torturing me?  I thought I was so stable, but apparently I was mistaken.
I can’t hear anything, I can’t feel anything.

Maybe it’s time that I disappeared too.