I feel that my perception of family is very, very wrong.
My family never talked about things. We still don’t know how. We’re not close and I didn’t even realize it until I moved away. I’m not saying that I’m okay with what my family is and the fact that we’re not a real family, but I am. It’s all I know.
Thus, when something is labeled a family, I appear to unintentionally pull away. I’m doing an internship. We decided we were a family. I left a for a few days and everything changed. To me, it seems that every “family” activity has turned into disfunction. Communication lines have been torn down and replaced by tubes that sometimes miss me when the message is sent out. The teams are full and the family has fallen.
I don’t want a family. If this is what family is, then keep me free of it. I am an individual, even if I don’t always want to be. If I let someone too close, bad things happen.
I am so messed up that being a part of a real family is an impossibility. I could not be a wife, a mother, not when I am this unpredictable.
And so, by the grace of God, let Him be my only family. This is how it should be.