I am so tired of being tired. I can’t even wake myself up anymore, because I’m always tired. I slept 10 hours last night, and I’m still freakin’ exhausted. I’m pissed.
I’ve let myself get into this lazy rut where I’m not even close to being tidy and I lag on my homework. I haven’t even been writing every week. And I know I’ll come out of it, but I’m just sick of it.
I want to be done. I know that there is like 2 weeks left of school, but I’m still so tired. I need to force myself to put effort into it, but it’s just so hard.
I had my heart set on an internship in Illinois this summer, so sure that they would accept me; they didn’t. I’m terrified of going home, but I feel like that’s my most likely option. I was offered a possible internship at my church here, but I don’t think I’m going to get to do that one either.
I can’t go home for another summer. I’m terrified that I again won’t have a job and that I’ll have to try to keep myself happy at home. I won’t be able to pay for gas, and that town just depresses me in general. I’m not saying that everything about Bishop is bad, but I can’t be happy there; trust me, I’ve tried. I wasted 18 of my life in that little town, and I can’t handle it. I can feel the spiritual oppression as I hit the valley line, but no one believes me, no one understands. I am getting along with my family much better, but can I trust that to stay if I have to see them everyday, if they have to deal with me everyday? I can’t do this.
On the bright side, Mary is back in the states. She surprised me 2 weeks ago and it was the most delightfully confusing moment of my life. I am amazed that she loved me so much to spend months concocting a surprise plan like that. She is the best person in my life. I love that I can see Jesus in her, and that I helped her to see Jesus when she couldn’t find him. She told me that; that