Well, I’m not perfect. Everyone knows that. To be completely honest, I thought my spring break may be flingish. I was completely set on spending my week with this guy I kinda know. Nothing serious, no commitment; just hanging out and being ridiculous for a week; then I would go home and my life would go back to normal and I would remember why I don’t want/need a boyfriend. However, that failed; it was a stupid idea anyway.
So, this morning I was lamenting my stupidity, and I decided I should probably play my guitar. I was gonna just play some old worship songs, but a new one was stuck in my head so I looked up the chords. One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture. Seriously, God has completely forgiven me, so why would I turn from Him to live a worldly life, even if it was only for a week? What is wrong with me? And I know that I am only human, but my debt is paid.
Next I played Sweetly Broken. Usually it’s just a fun and true song for me to relate to and sing. But today was different. I need to be clinging to the cross. I am a broken human being, just like everyone else. I am sweetly broken by and for my Savior. I need to be spending hours, nay days on my knees, thanking God for what He has done in my life; He has done everything. I feel like my heart has been so broken, and I was dealing with it and then I just gave up. And today I realized that I need to continue to deal with it, rather than create more hurt. I’m going to be okay.
However, my emotionally charged worship roller coaster did not stop there. I found an old song. Holiness, Holiness is what I long for. Holiness is what I need. Holiness, Holiness is what You want from me. So take my heart and form it. Take my mind, transform it. Take my will, conform it to Yours Oh Lord. What the heck! Why on earth was I pursuing disgusting, worldly pleasures?! God wants me to be holy; He wants me to be faithful; He wants me to be righteous. I can only do this if I am pursuing Him. I GO TO BIBLE COLLEGE! I feel like I’m supposed to have my heart figured out. What’s the point of studying His word and pursuing a life in ministry if I can’t even listen to Him when He is screaming in my face. I need Jesus, that’s it. Nothing else will do.
And so, although I have been home, and I tend to blame my depression on this town. I know that God works, even here. God is everywhere, and wants all of me, my life, everywhere I go. Even when I go home.