I’m Just Trying to Live

Really, I have no idea what I’m doing.  I feel like I’m trying to control the things that I’m comfortable with so that they don’t leave me.  But they still leave me.  I’m still stuck here.

I hate that I always complain.  Yeah, I do have some good things in my life, but those who I felt I could trust, that I thought were there for me… they’re gone.  They have their own lives and they don’t need me messing them up.

I’m praying about leaving.  Because I dont’ have a home.  If I can make enough money, I could maybe drive for a while, until I find a place to settle down.

I need a new place to feel safe.  I don’t feel safe anywhere.  I’m not comfortable.  Every time I find something positive, a reason to get my hopes up, it dies.  They realize that there will always be a better option than me, and again I have nowhere to turn.

I know I need to rely more on God.  I know that I’m living for Him, and that when I trust Him to provide, He does.  So why can’t I trust Him with my future?  I am terrified.  I both want to be forgotten and don’t want to be left behind.  I feel that it would be easier on everyone else if I wasn’t here, if I was forgotten.  But I know that I would feel worth and joy if I was included, remembered.  I don’t want to be this disgusting broken person, and I feel like I’ve come so close to full restoration.  However, I feel that I am forcing myself to be better so that people don’t have to worry about me.  I worry that I’m not really getting better, but that it is all a lie that I’m telling myself.  I don’t want this anymore.

I know that there are positive things to look at.  But I don’t know how to remember the positive.  Where is home?

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