Really, I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like I’m trying to control the things that I’m comfortable with so that they don’t leave me. But they still leave me. I’m still stuck here.
I hate that I always complain. Yeah, I do have some good things in my life, but those who I felt I could trust, that I thought were there for me… they’re gone. They have their own lives and they don’t need me messing them up.
I’m praying about leaving. Because I dont’ have a home. If I can make enough money, I could maybe drive for a while, until I find a place to settle down.
I need a new place to feel safe. I don’t feel safe anywhere. I’m not comfortable. Every time I find something positive, a reason to get my hopes up, it dies. They realize that there will always be a better option than me, and again I have nowhere to turn.
I know I need to rely more on God. I know that I’m living for Him, and that when I trust Him to provide, He does. So why can’t I trust Him with my future? I am terrified. I both want to be forgotten and don’t want to be left behind. I feel that it would be easier on everyone else if I wasn’t here, if I was forgotten. But I know that I would feel worth and joy if I was included, remembered. I don’t want to be this disgusting broken person, and I feel like I’ve come so close to full restoration. However, I feel that I am forcing myself to be better so that people don’t have to worry about me. I worry that I’m not really getting better, but that it is all a lie that I’m telling myself. I don’t want this anymore.
I know that there are positive things to look at. But I don’t know how to remember the positive. Where is home?