Realizations

Today was a hard day.  Parts of yesterday were hard also, but that’s besides the point.  This will probably be short, but these are some things that I have realized over the past couple of days.

  1. If I were an animal, I would be a cat.  I don’t particularly like cats, but I’ve been compared to one recently, more than once, and I’m beginning to see why.  Cats tend to wander, but spend time alone.  I wander and go to find people when I feel lonely or that I need people.  Then I leave when I feel ignored.  If I feel annoyed or uncomfortable in a situation, I leave.  I kinda chase things around like a cat.  Example: when I attempt the steal the basketball from my friend Sal.  When I walk up to my friends, I hit them with my head, the way a cat would when they want attention.  I’m not really sure why I do these things, I’ve always been more of a dog person.
  2. I don’t currently have any friends that I can rely on except for maybe these two guys I know.  They are good.  There are people that I’ve depended on lately, but I can’t rely on them.  In fact, today I realized that I go to find people, I search them out, but no one will do that for me.  None of my “good friends” search me out.  They swear that they’ll freak out or be changed forever if I was gone, but I’m sure they wouldn’t notice for a while.  Like at least a week.  Today I took one of the few chick friends I thought I could rely on to the store with me and I told her how I felt.  I told her that it hurts that no one asks me to hang out and that I am almost to the point of giving up.  Do you know what she said?  You make us feel guilty when you tell us that we never hang out anymore, so we feel bad and don’t want to hang out.  Does that sound as illogical to you as it did to me?  IF YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU DON’T FREAKIN’ KEEP DOING IT.  So yeah, basically that hurts.  And I feel like dying.
  3. I don’t want a boyfriend.  I don’t even have a desire to really get married or anything.  But I am fighting off feelings for someone that I really don’t want a relationship with.  However, today I realized that our friendship is so great, that he knows how messed up I am, so he’ll never have feelings for me.  This makes me so happy, because it means that I don’t have to worry about falling into a relationship that will probably end up failing.

Not everything about today was bad though.  I went to talk to the head of Res Life in her apartment for a while.  I’ve been asking God for a mentor.  I may have found one.  I may ask her to mentor me or something.  I don’t know.
Right now my head hurts and I’m tired.
Sara OUT.

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