They say that when you reach the end of your rope, that you should tie a knot and hang on. I’ve never been very good at tying knots.
I feel like every time I start to get a hold of positivity on my life, that something just washes it away. I know that everything is supposed to be about God, and I feel that no one believes that I even spend time with God. Because I struggle with this constant wave of depression, does that mean that I can’t be walking with God? What kind of crap is that? As my close friend Zachary says, “We all have our battles, this is yours.”
Since Saturday, I’ve been having pretty good days. I’ve been having great devotion times and just focusing on not believing the lies that the enemy feeds me. But what do I do when it’s those that I believed to be closest to me that are hurting me? I’m sick hurting. I’m sick of being hurt. I sound like a poor, helpless, weak, complaining failure. I want to refuse to give up. At the same time, all I want to do is give up. Kill me now? Maybe not. I’m so torn. I know it’s not what God wants for me. I should not give into my flesh. Like in Ephesians when it says that our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the evil powers of the enemy.
Yesterday in chapel a woman spoke on not having wasted tears and how to have a positive attitude. It was a good message. It was presented poorly. I felt targeted. I know that she wasn’t speaking about me or to me at all (at least I hope she wasn’t, I’d be pissed), but it still hurt. I still felt like crap. I got over it. Sure, it kind of ruined my day, but who cares? Seriously. I don’t matter.
Today I woke up in a fairly good mood. Took my drugs and chilled. I had a good day at work. It was good. But then I had a “coffee date.” However we didn’t get coffee, and it of course was not a date. My “friend” sat and told me that he would always love me as a friend, but he was not going to deal with how I manipulate everyone. Thanks for telling me how you really feel. I MANIPULATE NO ONE. This is crap. I was already hurt. Then I was blown off again. By someone else who made me come back with a promise of friendship, saying they needed me. Lies. I then spent my evening being constantly put down by someone who left, who I, only a month ago, considered one of my best friends. I sound like an idiot. I sound like I’m blaming my problems on everyone. But it is all my fault. I should just leave. I have no reason to stay, no reason to be here.