Off the Radar

I’ve spent much of my life off the radar.  That’s what I’m most used to.  I almost prefer it that way, because when people of importance start to take interest in me, I start to gain unnecessary hope.  I hate feeling hopeful.  I know, that may sound stupid, but I don’t like getting let down.  I let myself down all the time, and I can only expect everyone else to do the same.  I’m realizing that I don’t trust people.  I will not put my faith in anyone.  My faith belongs to God, even if it isn’t always evident when I’m trying so very hard to rid myself of life.

I hate that people try to make plans with me.  I hate it, because it makes me feel like I might have some extra importance.  And then, they never follow through on what they say they’re going to do with me.  Well, I guess I can’t say “never.”  Sometimes people do actually follow through on making plans with me; it’s just rare.

I want to spend this year simply getting closer to God, not to people.  I almost want to just push all people out of my life.  I don’t want to be close to anyone.  I don’t want anyone to love me.  I know this sounds like I have some screwed up theology, because it says in the Word that we need relationship, but I believe that in my current state that I can only hurt people.  In the same way, people only hurt me, even if by accident.  I know that all the pain around me is solely my fault, but I don’t mean for it to happen.  I just want to die.  I hate to be so bluntly honest, but it’s true.  I can’t really do anything about my wants though.  My desires are pointless.  Thus, I will remain.

This season in my life is a hard one.  One I’m meant to go through alone.  One of singleness and solitarily confining myself to space by myself, with Jesus.  I will allow Jesus to love me, because He made me.  He died for me.  I cannot forget that.  He became man and gave up His life for me.  I wouldn’t give up my life for me.  I would give up my life for many people, but not for me.  I know I’m not worth dying for.  But Christ died for me.  Holy crap.  What a God.  I don’t know anyone else who would do anything like that for one such as me.  I know I didn’t deserve it.  There are few that do, probably none, because Christ was/is perfect.  Oh man.

I am back at school and taking in all that can while struggling with my own sickness and stupidity.  I’m praying that I can get back to running soon.  I want to be healthy.  I know it’s really hard for me to do that for myself, to go out of my way to keep myself healthy, but I think it’s something that I need to do.  I need to maybe start caring about myself… or maybe I just need to give up…

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