I’ve spent much of my life off the radar. That’s what I’m most used to. I almost prefer it that way, because when people of importance start to take interest in me, I start to gain unnecessary hope. I hate feeling hopeful. I know, that may sound stupid, but I don’t like getting let down. I let myself down all the time, and I can only expect everyone else to do the same. I’m realizing that I don’t trust people. I will not put my faith in anyone. My faith belongs to God, even if it isn’t always evident when I’m trying so very hard to rid myself of life.
I hate that people try to make plans with me. I hate it, because it makes me feel like I might have some extra importance. And then, they never follow through on what they say they’re going to do with me. Well, I guess I can’t say “never.” Sometimes people do actually follow through on making plans with me; it’s just rare.
I want to spend this year simply getting closer to God, not to people. I almost want to just push all people out of my life. I don’t want to be close to anyone. I don’t want anyone to love me. I know this sounds like I have some screwed up theology, because it says in the Word that we need relationship, but I believe that in my current state that I can only hurt people. In the same way, people only hurt me, even if by accident. I know that all the pain around me is solely my fault, but I don’t mean for it to happen. I just want to die. I hate to be so bluntly honest, but it’s true. I can’t really do anything about my wants though. My desires are pointless. Thus, I will remain.
This season in my life is a hard one. One I’m meant to go through alone. One of singleness and solitarily confining myself to space by myself, with Jesus. I will allow Jesus to love me, because He made me. He died for me. I cannot forget that. He became man and gave up His life for me. I wouldn’t give up my life for me. I would give up my life for many people, but not for me. I know I’m not worth dying for. But Christ died for me. Holy crap. What a God. I don’t know anyone else who would do anything like that for one such as me. I know I didn’t deserve it. There are few that do, probably none, because Christ was/is perfect. Oh man.
I am back at school and taking in all that can while struggling with my own sickness and stupidity. I’m praying that I can get back to running soon. I want to be healthy. I know it’s really hard for me to do that for myself, to go out of my way to keep myself healthy, but I think it’s something that I need to do. I need to maybe start caring about myself… or maybe I just need to give up…