Well, I’ve heard constantly that I can’t fix myself. But then people get on my case for giving and not making an effort to be fixed. So which is it? Is it up to me to be okay, to be fixed, or is it God who is going to fix me? I mean, I know that God is going to fix me, but I have to let Him. I keep hearing two different answers.
What I do is for myself. Some praise me for being so honest for what I’m going through, and others condemn me for saying what I say. I say what is on my mind; I write what is in my heart. I don’t make my decisions based on others and I don’t do things in order to get a reaction. That would be a stupid way to live. Sure, I do value people’s opinions, but I’m also sometimes terrified to reveal my own opinion. I feel that I hurt people by disagreeing with them, which is stupid of me. I’m so stupid sometimes.
I’ve been spending more time with God lately, though I still have a long way to go. I’m up on a lovely mountain retreat, away from my home and my family for a while. This is what I feel that I needed, but my life has still been abused. I’m staying with people whose opinion matters more to me than most. But they are telling me how to live my life. I can’t live my life differently than I am. Life Pacific is where I am supposed to be, it’s where I feel safest. I can’t stay here forever, and I can’t go anywhere else. There’s nowhere else for me to go and I can’t afford a different life.
I’m trying to get a handle on my life. Yes, God does need to be in control, but I have to be able to control myself. Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit, am I right? (I am). I’m realizing that I’m terrified to grow up. I’m terrified of being alone and doing everything myself. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to be independent. I feel silly admitting this, but it’s true. I still wish I could just give up and let go, but I’m not allowed. I’d be letting too many people down. I’m going to be okay. Even in my ramblings.