Somersaulting into a Sweet Demise

Somersaulting… such a strange word… and a similarly strange action.  I feel like it should almost be summer-saulting, because in summer, you feel free enough to somersault.  This word also makes me think about assault.  Quite like the one I’m currently trying to ignore.

I’m not sure I want to see 2012.  I know I only have a few more days to fully make this decision, and maybe it seems that I’ve made a 180 of who I used to be.  Oh how you would have loved who I used to be.  But who was I?  I don’t know, I can’t remember.  I can’t remember even being someone that should be loved, that deserves love.  And so I continue to sit here, trying to decide if 2012 is worth seeing, experiencing.  At the same time, I’m sure that I would tell you if I was actually planning something stupid.  So don’t be alarmed, be calm.  Your worries are unnecessary.  I’m not worth worrying over.

I feel as if I have become two separate people.  I remember once, I wrote in a journal that I felt that Becky (what my friends called me in high school), was the happy, care-free self, while Sara was the one that  hated everything and simply wanted to be hated.  So go ahead, hate me.  Call me selfish.  Because my decisions are my own.  What I do is up to me, and affects only me.  And although I have spent so much time making sure everyone knows that what they do affects those around them, one must remember that there is no one around me.  I make sure of it.  I want no real closeness.  I am “home,” I was sent here.  I have no where else to go, and no way of getting there.

It’s silly really, for me to say anything at all.  And so if there is any real demise, I don’t know whose it is.  Who am I even?  I’ve lost the ability to even make sense, to remember who I was, what I stand for.  And so… good bye 2011.  You only have a few days left.

One thought on “Somersaulting into a Sweet Demise

  1. Sara,

    I hope you know how much you are loved and cherished. I even look at your bio and see that you talk about how your anguish turned to love. Never forget that. It sounds like you are not having a great time over the holidays. Hang in there.

    If you are struggling with anything, please know you can contact me at any time of day of night. You can email me at jpeterson@lifepacific.edu or you call my cell at 480-620-9990. Please do drop me a note and let me know what I can be praying for you.

    You are loved more than you know. 2012 is going to be an amazing year. God is going to do great things in and through you.

    Praying for you now.

    Blessings,
    J.J.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s