Somersaulting… such a strange word… and a similarly strange action. I feel like it should almost be summer-saulting, because in summer, you feel free enough to somersault. This word also makes me think about assault. Quite like the one I’m currently trying to ignore.
I’m not sure I want to see 2012. I know I only have a few more days to fully make this decision, and maybe it seems that I’ve made a 180 of who I used to be. Oh how you would have loved who I used to be. But who was I? I don’t know, I can’t remember. I can’t remember even being someone that should be loved, that deserves love. And so I continue to sit here, trying to decide if 2012 is worth seeing, experiencing. At the same time, I’m sure that I would tell you if I was actually planning something stupid. So don’t be alarmed, be calm. Your worries are unnecessary. I’m not worth worrying over.
I feel as if I have become two separate people. I remember once, I wrote in a journal that I felt that Becky (what my friends called me in high school), was the happy, care-free self, while Sara was the one that hated everything and simply wanted to be hated. So go ahead, hate me. Call me selfish. Because my decisions are my own. What I do is up to me, and affects only me. And although I have spent so much time making sure everyone knows that what they do affects those around them, one must remember that there is no one around me. I make sure of it. I want no real closeness. I am “home,” I was sent here. I have no where else to go, and no way of getting there.
It’s silly really, for me to say anything at all. And so if there is any real demise, I don’t know whose it is. Who am I even? I’ve lost the ability to even make sense, to remember who I was, what I stand for. And so… good bye 2011. You only have a few days left.