Please Understand

I’m not sure why you can’t just be happy for me.  Just pretend that I’m going to some far off place, some distant country, because in a sense, that is what I am doing.  Everything is going to be okay, forever.

I think it’s silly that people worry about me when I am home.  I prefer for everyone to be out, I prefer to be here alone.  I like that I can do what I want and go off on my own whims.  Although I do not spend my days in happiness, they are rather peaceful.  I don’t like to be disturbed.

As I lay here on my bed, listening to some wonderful Death Cab, I think about the power of good bye.  I plan on spending my remaining time here in isolation.  I want to be alone.  Simple as that.  And I know it is the holiday season and I’m supposed to want to spend my time with family and friends, but that’s just never been me.  You don’t know my family, and I left most of my friends behind when I drove away from that small school in San Dimas that I consider home.

I think I’d prefer for everyone not to care about me.  It’s silly really, caring for a lost cause.  I mean sure, there must be hope for me yet, but isn’t that for me to figure out?  I don’t want my aloneness to be ruining everyone else’s time with their families.  It is true that I am a mess, but it is a mess that will be cleaned soon, one way or another.  Can’t you understand that?  And I know it sounds like I’ve lost all sense of myself.  This may be true, because I can’t really remember who I am.  The doctor gave me drugs and they are killing me.  I’m not sure that I exist anymore.  I’m not sure that I ever did.  There is only one thing clear in my mind, but if I say it out loud it may evaporate, disappearing into the darkness that is this little town.

I sound selfish.  Letting go with so many begging me not to.  But this is my life, is it not?  I can do what I want with it.  I lost control a long time ago, so I plan to simply watch where it takes me.  I should not hold on to something just to please those whom I love, who I hold at arm’s length to protect.  Please just watch from the sidelines as I see where I am going.  We will all know soon enough.

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