The last few days have been so good. Honestly. I went to church on Sunday and realized just how at peace I was. Or so I thought.
Yesterday, Tuesday, I went to the doctor. I had an appointment. However, upon arrival, they told me that my doctor will not accept my insurance. And I am in college. And I can’t pay for crazy people doctors to assess my craziness and give me crazy people drugs. And I am so done with dealing with this. Everything was going so good, so I left. Tuesday night I spent time with friends at Applebee’s, came back way too late and got up way too early Wednesday morning to work my wonderful breakfast shift, that I don’t actually mind doing.
Today, I felt good. Nothing was bothering me. I was in a great mood, depression gone. I played guitar. I talked to an old friend on the phone. I don’t need drugs. I don’t need to feel false happiness, false peace, false anything. I can deal with reality.
I went on a run. My feet hit the pavement and I realized I had forgotten my iPod. For once, I didn’t care. I was not willing to go back just to grab it, so I continued on without it. Tonight, I listened to the music of the streets. Cars driving by, the distant wail of far off sirens, the sound of people and animals living, going on with their lives without having an impact on one another. This is the soundtrack to my life. And it is good.
I went to a meeting for a play that I realized I no longer wanted to be a part of. I can’t handle doing anymore plays, I think. It was at that moment that everything went wrong. I started freaking out. I left the meeting, grabbed a new mix cd that a new friend had made for me. I threw myself into my car and I drove. I drove and drove and drove. I got lost. And then the panic set in. I could no longer breathe and I knew that I could only fight this attack for so long. I calmed myself down enough to make my way back to school. Upon arrival, I sat in my car. I could not move. I could not breathe. I could not focus. I could not exist. When I finally got out of my car, I could not stand. I hit full on panic attack mode. That was when they saw me.
My friends Joe and Abe are there for me. They ran to me and they prayed for me and they helped me calm everything down, slow everything down. I am going to be okay. I almost passed out when I finally got through my attack. I am trying to hard to let Jesus have my everything, but my everything is fighting me. I will be okay. As I sat on the grass with Joe, waiting for Abe to return from his quad, Joe looks at me and says, “Do you want ice cream? Everybody likes ice cream.”
I looked at him and laughed. Slowly allowing the freedom to permeate through my body, through my mind, through my soul. Everything’s going to be all right. We went on an adventure, ending with McDonald’s and a wonderful M&M McFlurry. I am so thankful to have Christian guys like them in my life. Joe and Abe were there for me tonight. I’m trying to allow myself to accept that God has given me many friends who are willing to help me go through what I am going through. Friends who will walk along side me as I battle through this valley. I will prevail. In fact, maybe I already have.