I get to say whatever I want right now. And this is the first thing I want to say. I’ve been going through a lot, big deal. Everything that hurts me is completely my fault. Oh well. From now on, I refuse to talk to anyone, because I no longer want to be “melodramatic.”
After much prayer and discussion, I decided to give drugs a try (the legal ones). Today, I faced my fears and I called a doctor. I made an appointment. It is next Tuesday at 2:40, in case you’re interested. This means I will possibly, very soon, be another one of the many people taking antidepressants. My brain’s all messed up and I can’t function in society. Or at all. Because I push everyone away.
Amidst all that I have been going through, all that has been going on, everything, I have emptied my life of females. The whole world knows I hate females. I hate hanging out with them, because if you do something wrong, instead of telling you, they’ll ignore you and treat you like crap. And I don’t usually notice it when I say something “girl inappropriate,” especially when I am distracted by all the crap that is my current affair, until it is too late. And I am sorry for that. I am so sorry that I fail at being a friend. I want to try being a better person, a caring person, a friend. When God helps me get through this, I will be a different person. I don’t want to be the person I am.
I find myself annoying. I hate that I tell people what is going on within me, because that becomes my only way of processing, and then everyone hates me. (Remember, everything I write is my own, my perception, DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.) It’s understandable, I’ve been this failure of a person for so long that I don’t know anything else. And no one wants to deal with a piece of crap person that doesn’t know how to get back on their feet, how to fix themselves. And I’m not asking for compassion, I never have. I once wanted help, but not like this. I want people to sit with me, go on walks with me, help me process, but not solve my problems for me. But apparently the way I come off is as some melodramatic pig who only wants attention. I am an attention whore. I’d rather have everyone forget me. And I hate that this is who I am, how I feel. But it is.
I AM SO SORRY. Honestly, I’m sorry that I have forgotten my friends. I’m sorry that my lack of focus has made me seem ungrateful. My counselor says I’ve probably felt pressured, thus not known how to show gratitude. I’ve never known how to be a friend, especially while carrying around this big box of crap that I can’t seem to throw away. So I’m sorry. I’m going to try to push all this aside. If these drugs work, it will be a lot easier. I need to put my friends first, after God. God, friends, school, me. That needs to be the order of my life. Very soon, it will be.