I feel like time confuses me. I feel like last week was so long ago, but that the last few days went by so fast. I feel like time is moving both quickly and slowly at the same time. I have my ups and downs, but I feel as if I am coming out of this valley.
I went home over the weekend. I’m going to leave out all the gory details of getting there out, but my homecoming was bittersweet. I didn’t really do anything while I was there. I went to a movie with my mom… it was okay…
I came home on Sunday, but Saturday night was bad. I couldn’t sleep and I was depressed. My time there went both fast and slow. As the hours of wakefulness ticked by, I couldn’t wait to be back to school, to my second home, my real home. I stayed up talking to a good friend, a friend telling me that, once again, I need to let people help me. I need to learn not to push people away.
Today, whilst doing my devotions, I think I just gave my depression to God. I am just going to force everything inside of me into His hands. He died for me, He did everything for me. He wants to hold my pain. He wants it. He does not want me to feel stuck in the dark. He needs me to know His love for me. I need to accept it. I love Him. He loves me. My life needs to be completely entwined in a romance with Christ, one with no room for my constant running.
I went to counseling today. My school has it for free, and today I, for the first time in my life, allowed myself to be open to a stranger. I was completely ready to be judged, but it was good. I was uncomfortable, but I am ready to be comfortable. I am so ready to kill this broken identity.
My time keeps moving. Sure, I will probably still have my bad days, but today is a very, very good one. Even though I’m sick and went to zero classes. Even though my car is broken and probably won’t be fixed until next week sometime. I am smiling. For the first time in a long time, I am seriously smiling, from the deepest points in my soul. God is fully encompassing me and shoving his joy down my throat in a sloppy wet kiss of devastatingly good feelings. As time goes on, I want this to continue. I plan to keep myself on track. And even though I feel alone sometimes, I AM NOT. I will never be alone. God is always here. And even if I feel like my friends don’t care, like no one cares, they do. And I am ready to love them and let them love me. My time is here, and I am ready.