From the outside, my life is good.
On the inside…
I am constantly told that God loves me, that I have friends that love me. I know I believe it. I know it has to be true. But somewhere along the way, I must have rebuilt my walls, because I can’t feel it anymore. I can’t exist anymore.
Last Wednesday I went to hear Leslie Keegel speak at my school. Normally guest speakers like this would build up my spiritual life, and I know everyone else got a lot out this. But the guy I was sitting next to had a knife. He took it out and was playing with it. He handed it to me. It was sharp. No big deal. Something in my head kept saying, “Dig that knife into your wrist. End it now.” This is not something I have seriously encountered or thought about in a long time.
Since that night, things have just been getting worse. There is a constant screaming in my inner ear, “KILL YOURSELF.” But I know I can’t. God already said “No, this is not your time.” It is not my time. I keep telling myself I have to prevail, but I don’t know how I can go on like this any longer.
Monday night I finally broke. I knew I needed to call someone or I would do something stupid. I called a few people, but no one answered. I cried out to God, because I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t. Finally, I called my friend Michael Glenn, terrified of what he would say or do. He answered. He and our friend Josh took me and prayed for me. I am completely broken. There’s something in my life I need to let go of, but I have no idea what it is. I don’t know what has gotten a hold of me. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. After that, I thought things would get better.
Last night, I felt on the verge of joy. I thought things were looking up. I am always wrong. That constant voice of destruction is continually speaking words of death. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t last. I need help. I need prayer. I normally wouldn’t do this. This is my last resort; my way of crying out. I know Jesus has my life, but I need help breaking down whatever is wrong with me, so I can serve Him.
Please, please, please let go of my life. Please leave me alone. Why is this happening?