What I Want

Today, while at home, my mother called me, asking me for a favor.

“Do you remember my work number?” “Yes, mother.” “Can you call my work number and tell me the number for Bradley in Loma Linda?”

I didn’t know what she meant.

“On the phone list!” she yelled.  “Put the number on the phone list!  Call my work and get the number!”  “I don’t know how to get messages from your work number…”

She was treating me like I was an idiot.  Finally I figured out that she had already written the number on the phone list, she wanted me to call her work number and leave a message with the number so she could call it when she got back to work.  But she didn’t explain that to me.  I had no idea what she wanted.

“Oh, so you want me to leave you a message!  That makes more sense, I didn’t understand what you wanted.”  I stated.  “That’s what I said!  Are you stupid?”  was her reply.  Then she hung up on me when I asked her which number it was.

Did I deserve to be treated like this?  What did I do to my mother to make her detest me so much?  Why does she act like she hates me?  I don’t understand why she can’t just love me.

I want my mother to treat me like a human being.  I want her to love and respect me.  I want her to follow the golden rule and treat me the way she wants to be treated.

It has become a new thing for my mother to tell me she doesn’t want to pay for my college anymore.  This obviously implies that she doesn’t want me to go to school, correct?  I tell her that I can just drop out and find a way for myself.  I am applying for scholarships.  I am applying for more jobs so maybe, just maybe, I can pay for school on my own.  So that I won’t be such a burden on my mother.  So that I can disappear from her life and maybe she’ll finally be happy.

I want my mother to be happy.  I want her to be completely content with everything so she won’t be able to criticize me and everyone else in our family.  I want her to simply love my dad, instead of telling me about everything she finds wrong with him.

My father sees the way my mother treats me and everyone else.  He won’t do anything about it though.  He loves her.  He says, “She is set in her ways, so you can’t change her.”

I want to someday love someone the way my father loves my mother.  His love is unconditional.  Almost like God’s love for us, His creation.  I want to be loved by someone in that way.

Sometimes, I find it hard to exist while living in the same house as my mother.  I’ve only been back for a few months, but I am more than ready to leave on Saturday.  I hate it here.  I hate that I am unappreciated.  I hate that I am unloved.  I hate that I can’t have the relationship with my mom that every other girl I know has.  I just need a mom.

I want my mom back.  The one that I had before she got cancer.  The one I had when I was still young and innocent.  A nice mom.  Please.

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